It's been exactly almost exactly two years since my last relationship. Do I care? No. I moved on a long time ago. Plus, I love going on dates, meeting new people, having a reason to dress up, and being completely selfish. I love that feeling of liking someone, and finding out they like you back. I also love the notion of LOVE. But why am I finding so hard to love someone back again?
Anyone that knows me knows that I am completely infatuated with a guy in the beginning. But approximately 3 months or so into the "getting to know you" process I'm looking for a way out. It's as if somewhere in the process a sense of heaviness sits on me. It overwhelms me. Am I ready to open myself up to someone new? Am I ready to care again? I've been contemplating this for awhile, but I think I know why. I have emotional BAGGAGE. It doesn't start weighing on me until I feel myself getting close to someone. It's like I'm dragging luggage through the airport, and it's easier to just drop it than continue on. Don't get me wrong, I love myself and I'm a stronger person since that last relationship. But I've denied for a long time that maybe it did leave me somewhat scarred.
When does this feeling go away I wonder? Have I just not met the right person that makes me want to tredge the distance? Or is it something I have to face myself before starting something new?
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3 comments:
I had emotional baggage for awhile after breaking up with my first love. Initially, after I began dating again it was difficult to let someone in. Gradually, I let go and now I am in love again.
Willy, you are so hot and I bet dating is super fun. I never really had the opportunity to date. I never dated in high school. When I graduated I met a guy from tech, we kicked it for like 6 months or so but I knew he was not for me. I was always the single friend, but I waited. I never hesitated to give my boo-ed up friends advice when they asked. I'm an avid believer that you don't have to be in a situation to be able to give advice about it. I don't have to smoke crack to know that it's bad for you.
It appears as if you're afraid, whether consciously or unconsciously of being hurt and allowing yourself to be vulnerable again. Dating and chilling allow the heart just enough room, but if anyone gets to close the defenses go up and you have to get out. It's all really about allowing yourself to be vulnerable again. I had never been hurt before, but the fact that a number of my friends had, made me want to stay single, made me put my guard up. I was having fun, but not experiencing the fullness of love.
I don't think you carry baggage because your dating experiences wouldn’t be as enjoyable if you were.
We have to learn as women that it's okay to be strong, but it's also okay to be vulnerable. Vulnerability can be sexy. We can't punish ourselves or other men for the transgressions of one man.
Oh, and the feeling only goes away when you allow yourself to love again, allow yourself to trust again. Oh, and you'll know when it's the right person. I say focus on yourself and when you've got your stuff together, that person will come to you. “Watch and pray.” Watch as all the hot guys pass and pray for the one! LOL No but seriously…”watch and pray.”
Like we said before, everything is for the best. The storm you went through showed you just how strong you are. Life's little quizzes are just preparation for bigger tests down the road. I know you'll be ready.
What a great comment. Thanks T.
I don't have a problem waiting for the right guy. I guess I just don't want the guard to go up when he does come along and I miss my chance of being with my soulmate because I was "scared." And I don't want to waste time with the wrong one either.
"Watch as all the hot guys pass and pray for the one!" <--I'm definitely doing this! lol
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